The Five People You Spend the Most Time With: How to Find the Right Ones

I have heard many people say that you become the average of the five people that you spend the most time with.  I searched and found a Business Insider article from 2012 that credits the saying to Jim Rohn.  

Jim has plenty of material on self-development, leadership, communication, goal setting, and time management.  I have quickly become a fan of his work.  

Take 6 Essential Traits of a Good Character.  How can you go wrong with integrity, honesty, loyalty, self-sacrifice, accountability, and self-control? 

Integrity

I find this term to be overused.  Integrity is hard.  Jim says, “you don’t act one way in one situation and another in a different situation.”  Most of us have so many things going on that it’s nearly impossible to maintain the same purpose in everything that we do.  You are bound to morph your actions based on your current situation.  I think conflicts of interest are mostly managed and not eliminated.  

I find that integrity not only makes one attractive to associate with, but it also makes it easier.  There is no confusion as to what is the person's purpose.

Honesty

It’s the best policy.  We’ve known that since youth.  The truth you provide to someone is good for them and it also upholds your credibility with other parties.  The way you treat one person builds your reputation for others.

Loyalty

This trait is said to have a point at which it is a fault.  It’s also different because it relates directly to your relationship with others.  The previous two are about your actions related to other actions or occurrences.  Here, you are sending a supportive message directly to someone.  You are giving them support no matter their performance, and providing a sense of freedom.  People are looking for a chance to do something.  Loyalty provides it.

Self-Sacrifice

There isn’t anything profound to be said here.  If it’s all about you, so is the reason for failure.

Accountability

It’s ok to mess up.  Just make sure you own it.  Rohm said “The need for accountability doesn’t prove lack of character. Rather, it proves the presence of character. G.K. Chesterton said, 'Original sin is the only philosophy empirically validated by 3,500 years of human history.’”  Sorry for the quote of a quote, but wisdom is transferred, not developed.  

Self-Control

Most importantly, this is a moral issue.  But, I believe it applies beyond.  Being able to say “no” is important in many situations.  Sometimes, it’s more about timing, purpose, or availability.  An option could be morally sound, but not feasible.

Overall, great leaders possess many different traits.  I find these six to be of utmost importance.  You could say they are part of the definition of leadership.  

Outside of traits though, what is a great leader?  You can find numerous definitions of the verb “to lead”, but none assume that the action is being done with quality.  A good measure is the success of the project.  A great leader should be able to reach the desired goal or goals.  

Clearly defined goals indicate purpose.  Back on September 1st I uploaded a blog entry on finding your purpose.  It would be good to consult if you are a leader (or attempting to lead something) that has yet to find his or her purpose.  

Why are we talking so much about leadership?  Because leadership and the need to be led are equally important.  I believe that everyone has a need for both.  The needs may not be balanced in that individual person (it could be argued that the need is balanced across all mankind), but each is there.  

Have you ever been a follower of something or an employee?  Most of us have had some sort of responsibility that was dictated by someone else at some point.  It could have been a paid job, and internship, an academic assignment, or some chores when you were young.  It’s likely that at some point you were given additional responsibility (not another assignment or chore).  You were allowed to lead something.  A lot of times that feels great.  See what John Grubbs has to say from a business perspective in this short writing called A Desire to Lead?  Maybe the leader was exercising loyalty by trusting you with that additional responsibility.  You needed that confidence boost (you had a need to lead).  It was a win-win (not quite a 3-Win as discussed on Episode 12 of Speaking of Impact, but same idea).

I’m sure you have also found a need to be led (or follow) at times.  See this article entitled The Desire to be Led.  Maybe you spent much of a specific period of time coordinating something and you burnt out.  Or, maybe you just needed a break from being in charge.  It was a relief to be told what to do.  You didn’t have to feel the burden of being the boss, but you could still contribute to a cause.  

The point is that humans are complex beings.  Those who have extreme views, habits, and characteristics are often outliers.  And even if they are an outlier in one scenario, they could be closer to average somewhere else.  Most of us have both a need to lead and a need to be led.  They are not equal forces, but they are each significant.

If it is established that we can all act as leaders and followers in different situations, it stands that those we associate with can do the same.  In fact, they WILL.  

It is the need to satisfy the desire for the different rolls that creates relationships.  Take some time to think about the most prominent relationships in your life.  

Who do you spend the most time with?  Who do you talk to the most?  Who do you lead the most?  Who leads you the most?

All of the above questions are prompts to bring you to the five people you spend the most time with.  Modern technology likely has an effect on this.   Especially in 2020, you may not have five people with whom you are physically present on a consistent basis.  But, some of these people you may be communicating with professionally or academically.  Or, you might be in the presence of your family most days, but they are not influencing you enough to be in the “top five”.  

In college I lived with some of my teammates.  Remember the story from the July 14th E-Impact entry?  It’s not really forgettable, but I hesitate to bring it up again.  When not suffering from bowel distress, life was pretty good.  We were a group of young guys living on our own and learning some responsibility.  I like to think we did pretty well all things considered.  The house never burnt down and it wasn’t embarrassing to have people over.  

In perfect form, at its peak, our house had six people living in it.  I had surrounded myself with five others.  I was definitely spending the most time with them.  We were together about eight hours a day.  This is an approximation including mornings, evenings, practice, meetings, classes, weight lifting, and night life (not sleeping).   I was certainly influenced by the crew.

At one point, one person had to move out.  And if I’m being honest, there was like a hole in the house.  It was weird.  Everything that Niall did, good or bad, was no longer being done.  But we all noticed it.  There was a little bit of Niall in all of us at that point.  I’m getting nostalgic.  A Google search has led (see, I’m being led) me to Niall’s biography.  He punted eleven times at Marshall?  That IS forgettable, especially since I played offense.

Perhaps even more jarring than Niall leaving the house was when I graduated and moved out.  I missed all the habits of the guys.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I tried to run my Mom’s home like a frat house when I moved back in.  This is not recommended.

Maybe habits are not only developed by doing, but also by observing.  I am sure there were things that my housemates did that I criticized a time or two, but I did them myself after watching them for years.  

The lesson is to consider who you spend the most time with.  No one is perfect, and we certainly weren’t in college.  But, I made a good choice as to with whom I was going to spend time.  If I felt the situation was counterproductive, I would have left and chosen a different place to live.   Actually, my original living arrangements after recovering from cancer (that story was outlined in the October 6th E-Impact entry) were not ideal.  I made a change.  My motivations were probably not exactly the same as what I am outlining here, but I was aware of the people who frequently surrounded me.  

Whether you want to be a leader or follower primarily (there is nothing wrong with either), you must consider the people with whom you’ll be.  College is four years (for most).  A career, life, and family generally last much longer.  The people who influence you the most should fit into your purpose.  Toxic situations are certainly not good, but even a non-toxic situation may not be the correct one.

Consider what your goals are.  The people you associate should assist you in reaching them.  You may work for a company that has a great mission statement that you are aligned well with.  Your boss, colleagues, and subordinates may foster a great environment for you to grow.  This is good.  Or, you might work with some really nice people, but they are not driven by what you are, or you are not excited to execute the mission of the company.  A change is then needed.

If you are working on an impact project it’s likely that it will take up much of your time.  If you’re employing the TIIPS method from last week’s E-Impact entry, think about the Support stage.  Those people that you need to recruit could be in your top five.  You’ll want them to promote things that support your mission.  And if they do, you’ll want to spend lots of time with them.  

It’s easy to spend time with good influences.  But, it’s also easy to spend time with bad influences.  The hard part is separating the two.  A good way to isolate those who are good influences is to consider the activities you share with them.  Are they productive?  Are they leading you closer to your goal or supporting your purpose?  Ask yourself these questions and if you can’t answer them, ask the people.  A good discussion would likely be great for both parties.  

It will take time, but it’s worth the effort to identify the right people.  As Ashley Easton said in Episode 15 of Speaking of Impact, patience is key.  Once you find the people, spend the time.

Time well spent is action much needed.

Spend freely.