Honor Peoples’ Emotions, Don’t Lead With Yours:How to Communicate More Effectively and Less Emotionally

It’s likely that you’ve had a conflict in the recent past.  It could have been a big argument, or maybe it was just a small misunderstanding.  How did it make you feel?  Were you reactionary?  Did you anticipate your emotions?

I love to ask questions.  Who am I kidding?  I love to answer them too!  I just love communicating.  Sadly, I am finding it harder to do so properly.  

Social media is awesome.  It is a tremendous tool for sharing information.  But, it frequently drops the ball when it comes to emotions.   Emojis just don’t do the trick :(.  I’ve noticed that some people have a drastically different interpretation of what certain emojis mean.

In order to have the most effective communication, you have to have a good understanding of what your audience is experiencing.  In order to assist, the sharers, listeners, viewers, smellers, and feelers (what other ways can you experience things?) should express what they are experiencing.  This doesn’t mean you should interrupt a speaker, but you can give cues as to what you are thinking. 

So that wraps it up, right?  Pretty easy…just know what other people are thinking.  Read minds.  Obviously not, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Check out  the “Overview of the 6 Major Theories of Emotion” by Kendra Cherry.  In the article, she says:

“In psychology, emotion is often defined as a complex state of feeling that results in physical and psychological changes that influence thought and behavior. Emotionality is associated with a range of psychological phenomena, including temperament, personality, mood, and motivation."

If you read beyond that, you’ll see explanations of different theories of emotion.  The basic lesson here is that emotions are very complicated.  Professionals have not been able to perfectly define what they are, where they come from, and how they affect us.  It’s kind of scary if you ask me.  

I know myself well (sounds dumb, right? But I didn’t always know myself as well as I do now).  This is not a commentary on the Greek aphorism “know thyself”.  Although, that could be fun.

I know that I have to make a conscious effort to consider the emotions of those I am communicating with.  It’s not enough to simply do what I think is appropriate.  

As humans, our natural reactions often take over.  The “Fight or Flight” response is very powerful.  It’s probably not a good idea to fight against the force (too strong), or even try to suppress it (it serves a great purpose).  But, we should work on understanding the difference between our own inherent thoughts and “fight or flight” situation.

This is the 21st century.  We want things now.  We want television on demand.  We want live sports (please come back!).  We want fast food (but still healthy).  We love Teledoc.  We want to read a blog on our own time (which is right now!).

Sometimes we have to slow down to make progress.  Usually, we have an ideal outcome in mind when doing something.  We have a purpose.  This could be a greater calling or life’s purpose, but I would argue those are actually easier to manage (related to emotions).  A lifelong project is understood to take time.  

The intent of my words is more related to the everyday communications we have; the things that seem more urgent.  There’s another lesson here about urgency and consistency, but that’s for another time.  For now, let’s concentrate on the situations that come up everyday.  These things are unavoidable (although with all the quarantining I’m beginning to second guess that).  

On a daily basis, you have an emotional response to the world around you.  Sometimes positive emotions come out.  Some examples include: joy, amusement, and pride.  Those feel good, right?  But, ask yourself, “What is my natural inclination when something doesn’t go my way?”.  Do you feel envy, anxiety, or sadness?

I believe it’s when the negative emotions lead, that we get ourselves into trouble.  Naturally, we would prefer to have a positive emotion.  Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as just making a switch.  It’s also not healthy to suppress one’s emotions frequently.  Learn How to Regulate Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them.  Lot’s of good information packed into a short read here by Margaret Cullen.

A current macro example of being aware of emotions is what our public health authorities are currently navigating.  See “Speaking of pandemics: The art and science of risk communication”.  This is very relevant to the world’s current situation and how could I not promote something that starts with “Speaking of…”?  Officials have to be very careful of the emotions of the masses when making announcements.  

Let’s give this more everyday application.  

I think every family should have a neat freak.  It’s just good for your car, your home, your garage, and most other things that hold your stuff.  

Who wants to come home from a tough day at work (meaning downstairs from the spare bedroom these days) to a messy kitchen.  Not me.  I am the resident neat freak here (writing this from my living room).  Not only am I a neat freak, I’m an emotional wreck in a room with no free counter or table space.  I believe that tables are for providing people with the comfort of knowing there is a place where they can put their things if needed.  They are NOT for permanently holding things.

I tell you this because there was a time when I could not control my emotional response to a mess.  I promise you this is not a public apology.  

When you are married to a kindergarten teacher, there is high likelihood that there will be classroom related materials in your home.  There is also good possibility that your spouse is at home and working at abnormal hours.  School usually opens and closes before businesses and grading and lesson planning can become “fit it in where you can” activities.  

I give a lot of credit to teachers.  They have a lot to juggle.  But, this is not an excuse for not tidying up the living room!  Or at least that’s how I used to think.  

I can remember on multiple occasions letting my emotions get the best of me coming home to a grade book, stuffed animals, kids books, and the most durable laptop bag known to man (they don’t make ‘em like they used to).  

My initial thought was usually, “I have nowhere to put MY stuff.” Or “What if someone comes over?”.  I’ve tried over the years to be more considerate of my wife’s emotions in those situations.  She deserves better.

About a year ago, I gave my wife the greatest test of emotions I ever have.  It was a normal day in sunny South Florida.  The birds were chirping (seriously, they were).  Life was good.   Except, I had to run home (a clean, tidy home) from the office and grab something for lunch before heading back.  It was going to be a late night and I needed to have some nourishment for the rest of the day.  

I had some intentions of making some sort of stir fry dish with ground beef.  In my millennial, want it now, rushed state of mind I pulled into the driveway and ran into the kitchen.  If the neighbors saw me they would have thought there was a fire (little did they know).

Once in the kitchen, I swiftly pulled the beef out of the freezer (yes, it was frozen) and vegetables out of the refrigerator.  I grabbed a frying pan, threw the beef in it, put it on the stove, turned said stove on high, and covered the pan.  Then, I began chopping up the vegetables.  Mmm.  Garlic, onions, carrots, broccoli…there was a lot to cut up in five minutes.  

Somewhere mid vegetable chop (anyone have a recommendation for a good food processor?) I got a phone call.  Speaker phone is a great tool.  Of course, I had to multitask.  There was legitimate reason here.

I answered the phone and it happened to be a very important discussion.  I am glad that I took the call.  I was able to continue chopping vegetables and work all at the same time.

It was so effective that I finished chopping, washed my hands, got back in the car, and drove to the office all while engaging in the important conversation. 

I made it back to work safely and went about the rest of the day.  Upon coming out of a meeting I noticed I had a few missed calls from my wife.  I thought, “Awe, nice of her to call me amidst a typical busy school day.”  

I finished up a couple things after my meeting and decided to call her back.  She was so calm.  No emotions.  Just, “Hey, are you ok?”

I responded, “Yeah, how’s it going?”.  I deserved a mild mannered, patient, kind, kindergarten teacher’s worst profanity laced tirade.  

She came home to a smoke filled home with a pound of scorched ground beef on the stove.  I’d say at that point it was 100% lean.

She easily could have yelled, screamed, and complained about what I had done.  I deserved it.  But somehow, she was able to control her emotions.  Way more than I would have if I came home to a coffee table full of vocabulary quizzes. 

The fact that she asked how I was, still baffles me.  But looking back, it was the best thing she could have done.  She considered my situation first.  At that point she was not in danger (nor was our cat) and the stove was off.  The situation was no longer an emergency.  By asking me how I was, she enabled me to have legitimate reason for leaving the stove on high (I maintain that if I wasn’t rushed and the meat wasn’t frozen, it would not have been so bad).  

Whether I had a good reason or not, I felt like my reasoning and explanation for what happened would have been acknowledged.  This is extremely important.

Considering others emotions before expressing yours can change the world.

There are multiple reasons right now to be aware of the perspectives of others.  Related to the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s not just public health officials who should be careful.  We all should as well.  Who knows how the situation is affecting the person with whom you are communicating.  They may have had a much different experience than you.  It’s not right or wrong or better or worse.  Just different.  Consider that.  

We all also need to be more considerate of each other when talking about social justice and racism.  We should NOT avoid these conversations.  We should welcome them.  We should seek out productive, informative, and collaborative discussions.  In order to do that, we MUST honor others’ emotions and do our best not to lead with our own.  

Apart, we will struggle.  Together, we will grow.