I love giving but there are certain things we shouldn’t be passing out. Two of them are shame and guilt.

Take a minute to think of some times that you’ve felt either of these. Not to put you in a negative train of thought but it’s important to understand the feeling of each.

Shame is something you feel when you’ve displayed some foolish behavior. It’s related to embarrassment.

Guilt is what you feel when something with negative consequences was your fault. It’s related to disappointment.

I wouldn’t say either of these is worse than the other. Let’s just put them both in the undesirable category. Well, wait. Let’s say it’s good that they exist but anything more than moderation of them is undesirable.

People wouldn’t have any filter or concern for others if guilt and shame didn’t exist.

Leading Without

The Impactmaker Movement is all about generous leadership and if you’ve been reading E-Impact for some time, you’ll know that we like to focus on doing things for other people. It’s important to note though, that acts of generosity can and should be very intentional.

Intentionality is a characteristic associated with high achievers and people that like to “get stuff done”. There’s a fine balance between pushing for impact and making others feel inadequate.

Leading with intention and a reasonable level of aggression can be done without dishing out guilt and shame.

Let me encourage you to feed your drive for impact while also managing the emotions you bring about in people.

The First Step

The foundational step of aggressive impact is affirmation. People need to know that they are doing well - when they are doing well. Don’t wait to praise good work.

I tell a story in my book, Personal Finance in a Public World, about a classroom revelation that my wife (Mrs. DePasquale) had. The chapter (nine) with the story compares our economic system with a kindergarten classroom. See the book if you’re having trouble making that connection (haha).

This is relevant to generous leadership because every impact project or impact business is going to have its struggles. If everything is perfect, something is wrong. My wife prides herself on a positive learning environment in her classroom but she knows that five and six year old children are still developing. There are going to be tough times.

Ironically, Mrs. DePasquale just left my mom’s house (where we have been visiting) to meet up with her former aid before heading home. This is the aid that she worked with the year the story I told took place. In short, the class that year was having some behavioral issues. They meant well but just couldn’t control themselves. They did plenty of good things but the bad things seemed to be more conscious.

My wife and her aid went to a teacher training in the middle of the year and they learned a classroom changing concept. They were taught to “catch kids in the act of something good”. In other words, they needed to spend more time praising the good instead of scolding the bad.

Mrs. DePasquale now runs her classroom like a generous leader. There are times where kids need to be corrected but she minimizes shame and guilt and maximizes joy and fulfillment (and yes that’s not too big of a word for a kid). She and her aids are now sure to praise kids in front of the others when they do something well.

We can learn a lot from how young people experience joy and fulfillment. It’s simple but powerful. The people you work with are human just as the kids and deserve to be affirmed for even the smallest of successes.

This whole entry is about about limiting guilt and shame but the most important thing is maximizing the opposite.

Building

It seems backward but the foundational step is not as obvious as the next. Concentrate on avoiding guilt and shame after you’ve made praise a consistent part of your efforts.

Every practice and game I participated in when I was a collegiate athlete was followed up by a film session. It was considered part of building a great team. However, it could also be very destructive.

A typical football game included about seventy-five offensive plays (I played wide receiver, an offensive position). A Sunday (day after the game) film session would easily take two hours. We had some bad games and some good ones but it was fully evident that the coaches who were able to accentuate the good were the most effective.

By accentuating the good, your credibility for the bad is heightened. You also gain trust that allows you to make corrections without eliciting shame and guilt.

A receiver that drops a wide open past will no doubt be ashamed and might feel guilty if his team lost the game as a result. It’s all but guaranteed they will feel that. There’s no need for a coach to feed the negative emotions. This creates a toxic environment where even the other players feel bad and could be afraid to make a mistake.

You don’t want to be afraid to make a mistake in a football game. It will prevent you from making great plays and could even cause injury. See your work the same way. You don’t want your team being afraid of making a mistake and limiting their effort.

You will build credibility with your team if they believe you have a good handle on what they are doing wrong and what they are doing right.

The Lousy Snap

I’d love to tell you a story about how I overcame a coache’s criticism to catch the national championship winning touchdown. Sadly, that’s not for another entry. In this one, I will tell you about how I got blown up on a botched field goal.

I was the holder for our kicking game (the guy who catches the snap and puts the ball on the ground, laces out, so the kicker can kick it). The most memorable play I was ever involved in started with a bad snap.

Our snapper was good at this job. Most of his snaps came in low and hard in the perfect place. I also worked really hard at handling the ball in just about any spot. The only spot that ever really gave me trouble was outside my hip (when kneeling down facing forward and to the left. It’s hard to get your arms and hands in a position to the catch ball cleanly and put it down (this all happens in a matter of seconds, every tenth is critical).

On one occasion, the snap came through in the tough spot and I trapped the ball (thankfully, or it would have went 30 yards behind us) and it was too late to put the ball down. I had to pick it up and try to run or throw. I was quickly hammered by a guy running full speed from twelve yards away. The film session was funny as coach kept rewinding and replaying the moment.

I had pretty thick skin and I knew what happened wasn’t my fault. I felt no guilt or same. It was a different story for our snapper, though. Coach asked me what happened and I had to explain where the snap was. Immediately, the snapper got defensive and you can tell he felt some guilt for messing up a potential game winning field goal. And when coach asked why it was so hard to do something he’s done hundreds of times, he clearly felt some shame.

The mistake had to be addressed and it was appropriate for coach to ask me what happened. I had to be honest. The problem was that coach never gave any credit to the snapper on the hundreds of good snaps he made throughout the year. He felt he could only mess up and never do anything good.

Trade Credit for Credibility

If coach had laid a solid foundation and given a little more credit out for the good plays (and the resulting wins), the players would have felt more accomplished and likely been less afraid of failure. This is the building stage.

After the lousy snap incident, I was sure to praise our snapper after solid operation (the process of snap to hold to kick). I am not sure how much it helped but it seemed to be better. I gave him some credit and as a result, when there was a bad moment, it didn’t seem like I was piling on.

As your team feels more comfortable talking with you and being honest about shortcomings, you’ll find it easier to understand how they think. You’ll be able to address things in ways that are empowering and also find teaching moments.

I see the opportunity to teach and legitimate replacement of guilt and shame. It doesn’t have to be, nor can it be all the time, joy. The joys are good but the failures, like I often say, are hurdles of success.

Building is not avoiding mistakes, it’s managing the emotions. Giving credit to your team, eliciting positive emotions, gives you credibility for the other times. People then know that their feelings of shame and guilt are a result of their desire to do well and not your intentions. It’s an agreement that you have to go through the tough times together to find growth. You have then become the guide helping them through any shame or guilt as opposed to the dictator forcing them into it.

Your Own Experience

The generous leader is so well connected with his or her team that they feel the same emotions. My final point is that guilt and shame are shared emotions. Whether you’re the football special teams coach that must answer to the head coach, small business leader, or point person for a local impact project, your people’s guilt and shame are also yours. You not only feel bad for them but you also feel it for your own situation.

Limiting your team’s guilt and shame is not taking it on yourself. It’s limiting your own. Interestingly, it’s just like generosity in general. Doing something for someone is doing something for yourself.

In giving we receive.

Shame vs. Guilt

Success is Acting What You Think

The Center of Leadership